just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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