stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I wear drunk well.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
