he wants to bone in the snuggie
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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