It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
