Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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