my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
