There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
