Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
