Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
