I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
