haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
