How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
