Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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