Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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