Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
