Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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