I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
