Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
