I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I have fence marks all over my body
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
