I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
