what if every blade of grass was a penis?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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