Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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