I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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