trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
