I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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