this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
