it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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