He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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