i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
