I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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