I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
