I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
