He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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