Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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