Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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