I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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