mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
