i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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