yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
