4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
