i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
