Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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