Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
