from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
