I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
