Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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