***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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