I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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