you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
