The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
