I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
