I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
