There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
