When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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