i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
