she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
