so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
