Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
