I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
