When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
