you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I will die if light touches me.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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