considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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