I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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