How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
