I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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